Due to the overwhelming response I have been talked into doing movie reviews every tuesdays which gives me something better to do then count the ppl walking by at work. There will probably be. Some miss spelled words because I’m writing from phone and I type fast then it can register the key signals so bare with me. I figured my first review should be about a movie that was highly praised but was just god awful. That being said I give you Twilight.
Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! If you don’t know what a spoiler alert is look it up.
What can I say about this movie? Girl meets vampire, girl dates vampire, another vampire wants to eat girl, vampire kills other vampire, girl and vampire go to prom. That summary was more exciting the the actual movie. I’m not kidding. So let’s get this over with shall we.
So our story starts out with our female lead name bella just having moved out to boringville washington to live with her dad. Why did she move? Because her mother moved to florida with her triple a baseball player boyfriend and I really don’t know why. That part just was never explained. Moving along she is a new student in the local school where she meets or male lead edward who I swear to god spends the first twenty minutes of the film just staring at her. I’m not kidding ppl, I timed it. And it’s not just creep staring but a retarded creepy staring. Like he’s suppose to be longing for her but instead his face just got stuck in the position and she just happened to be sitting there. And for some reason unknown to man she finds this as a attracting quality in him. I’m mean really, creepy ppl staring at you is suddenly hot. Next thing you know staking will be the new in fade. So edward final finds a reason to start talking to her but can only come up with five word sentences to do it and the two start to get to know each more. One day bella comes to school and notice edward isn’t in school, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, she finally asks someone about this and is told that when the weather is nice edwards family goes on vacation upstate or something. Ok I have to breathe for this one. What asinine school would accept bullshit like that! There are more sunny days the every other weather days combine! You mean to tell me that this school accepts a student not showing up for 65 percent of the school year. They would have better cover saying the kids were home school. Oh and by the way the father is the town doctor. I’m amazed that he is a doctor but that he even has patients. Would you see a doctor who told you he only can see you on days when the weather is shitty because when its a nice sunny day I take my family on vacation. I’d be like fuck you and find another doctor. God forbid some has an emergency when the sun is out! And what do they do when its not sunny but the sun decides to peek through the clouds for five minutes, duck and cover! Anyway edward finally returns to school and tells bella he can’t hang out with her anymore. But just then bella is nearly hit by a car only to be save by edward. And how does he save her by stopping the car with his bare hand. He could have just tackled her out of the way and kept his cover but noooo instead he stop the car putting a big dent in it by the driver side wheel. Smooth move genius. Why don’t you throw her over the car while your at it. Somewhere along the movie she heard a legend about edwards family and the local native american tribe and decided to get a book on it. When leaving the book store she runs into some wannabe rapists and who should come to her rescue but edward who admitted he has been FOLLOWING HER AROUND! Yes staking has now become the new in fade. Of course she sees nothing wrong with this as they go out to dinner. Not only that but he proceed to tell her thing about himself that are not normal like the fact that he can READ MINDS! For someone who is suppose to live in secret he is not doing a very good job of it. On the way home she touches his hand and mentions that his skin is cold. After getting home she decides to look up all these odd things on the internet, the cold skin, not coming out in the sun, the reading minds, that fact that he didn’t so much as drink a glass of WATER at dinner, and some word she found in the book she got which all equal up to vampire. No shit! You can look at him a nd see vampire! He looks abnormally pale. Like that dead body type pale after its been embalmed. Like the michael jackson (god rest his soul) midway through 50 sessions of skin bleaching pale. The white shirt turn dingy pale. Look at the picture that’s how he looks through the whole movie.
Before we get into the story I want to go into the story of some of the characters in this film because as we all know the driving force of any movie is character development. That fact that you actually feel for the characters and care about what happens to them. Well apparently someone forgot to tell that to the makers of this film.
Let’s start with bella I have no idea what type of character she is suppose to be and neither does the actress because she give you nothing to identify the persona. Is bella a sad person, a happy person, a lonely person, angry, depressed, bi poler, what?! You get nothing. She is not even boring, just nothing. I didn’t even think that was possible. Data from next generation had more personality then her and he’s an android. Next we have edward who the tried to give a personality to but everything he does is so creepy a’s father who just has the personality of a confused fish. He always has this dumb look on his face even when he knows what’s going on. I think they told the actor he was filming a different movie that why looked confused all the time. Edward’s dad who was just boring. The he looked, the way he talked, even the way he walked was boring. One sentence spoken by the guy made you feel like you just spent an hour listening to and old person ramble on about the good old days. Edward’s mother who was equally boring only with a smile on her face. Sister or cousin who name really isn’t important so i’ll just call her the bitchy blonde who was over the top bitchy. I mean way over the top. Her acting was so bad it made Beyance look like an oscar winner for best actress. And lastly we have alice who is the only character I gave a damn about. Not only was she cute but she had actually personality. She was a sweetie, happy, fun character. And the best part was the actress could actually act. Could it be the movie finally give you something to enjoy about it. Nope, in a two hour movie she get a total of fifteen minute of screen time. Damn you movie! Oh there are two other members of edward’s family but they only got a total of two minutes of screen time so they didn’t even have personalities to like or dislike.
So at this point in the story our antagonists finally arrive who I will an accordingly. We have Bob Marley, Sabertooth, and Apirl o Neal. Now villains are suppose to have a presence of villainy about them. Its suppose to submitify in the air around them. When you look at the your suppose to sense they’re the villain even when they are being none threatening. These yo yo’s look like they are about to play a game of hacky sack at washington square park. What’s worse when they arrive they are suppose to be scary. I’ve seen scarer thing in me refrigerator then these three. So they flash some fangs and and kill some fisherman. Meanwhile bella decide to confront edward about what he is and edward tells her he can’t hang out with her anymore even though thus far the story has been suggesting he was going to tell her eventually anyway. What did she ruin is surprise reveal and he was pissed about it or something. Later on he changes his mind and takes her into the woods to talk. They go into the woods and throws the biggest temper tantrum knows to man. And what points does he make about how it sucks to be a vampire during his tantrum. That he is super strong, super fast, and can jump tall builds in a single bound. Really? What about the fact that you can be love a human because you have to watch them die or you can never again enjoy the taste of regular food or the yo have to struggle everyday not to eat ppl. Appearently he’s ok with those things it the super abilities he has a problem with. So he decided to show bella what he looks like in the sunlight. Cool is change color or look like a demon, or look like a half decade skeleton like in pirates of the caribbean. Nope he sparkles. That’s it just sparkles and the special effect for that wasn’t even good. It look like someone just put a kaleidoscope over the camera lens. After seeing bella isn’t afraid of was she sees, would you be, he decides to date her which leads to the creepiest scene in cinematic history. May god strike me down if I’m lying about this. Bella wakes up one morning to find edward in her room staring at her. After her initial surprise, surprise being nothing more then a double take, she ask him has he come into her room like this before. What is his response? “I like to watch you sleep”. No! No! no no no! No movie, NO! There is nothing sweet, cute, or romantic about some creepy person breaking not only into your house but your bedroom more then once to watch you sleep. No I’m sorry I’m not having it. The madness must stop here and now. All copies of this movie should be burned and anyone who has seen this movie should have their memory erased. Serial killers do shit like that before they KILL YOU not normal ppl. And what is Bella’s response to something so spine tingling creepy? “Don’t you sleep?” I can see why her mother didn’t want her. Anyway edward takes her to meet his family, there is and arkward lunch scene where it is explain the they don’t eat humans only animals and how alice knew she was coming because she could see visions of the future or possible futures. Which raises the question do all vampires have powers or just these two? Are they all different or did alice start out reading minds first? Does the rest of the family have powers other then the power to bored the audience to death? Explain movie, explain!
Haven been made to feel uncomfortable by bitchy mcblonde edward decides to take bella tree jumping. During this he for some odd reason calls her a spidermonkey. Why? Of all the animals the spend time in trees spidermonkey is not the first to come to mind. Squirrel, chimpmunk, tree frog, possum but not spidermonkey. There wasn’t any other reference to spidermonkey in the movie. They didn’t watch one on tv or dissect one in class. She never said it was her favorite animal. And why spidermonkey and not just monkey? What if you put spider in front of it its suppose to be less offensive? Its is suppose to be cute? Is it suppose to show how smart he is? Are spider monkeys native in they’re area? Explain movie EXPLAIN!!
After seeing how wonderful being a vampire is, I’m glad she saw that because all I saw was boredom but I guess when you have the personality of nothing boredom is pretty wonderful, she ask edward to turn her. Being someone in this film to have at least the IQ of a DOG he flat out tells her no. Wow something that actually makes sense in this movie.
Next comes the baseball scene which is the coolest scene in the movie but even this one I have a problem with. Edward’s family only can play baseball when there is a thunderstorm. Why? Because the sound of thunder covers the sound of the ball hitting the bat when they play. Let’s take these in order shall we.
1) yes the harder something is hit the louder the noise is that is make but there is no way in hell the you can hit a baseball so hard the it needs to be covered up by the sound of thunder. If fact the a baseball going at 150mph gets hit by a bat swung at at least 100mhp one of two things will happen depending on where the ball hits the bat. Either the bat will break or the ball will explode.
2) they are playing this game on an open field in the middle of the forest during a thunderstorm. Now vampire or not I don’t think anyone want to get hit by a lightening bolt that carries ONE BILLION VOLTS of electricity of every 1000ft.
3) this may be nit picking but I didn’t see any rain during that thunderstorm. Maybe what we call lightening storms they call thunderstorms because I did see lightening.
During the baseball game Bob Marley and his two man band show up and they put a baseball cap on bella and tell to look at the ground because like wise ostrich who stuck its head in the sand if you can’t see your enemy they can’t see you. There is a small discussion about territory when the wind shifts and sport realizes the the girl wearing the dunce cap in the background is a human from her sent. Realizing they are out numbered Marley and friends walk away but the family knows sabortooth won’t give up so the tell bella she has to leave town for a while.
So having convinced bella to leave town she tells her father that she broke up with edward and is moving to florida to live with her mother. There’s a little back and forth between the two with him trying to get her to stay until she calls him a loser and that’s why mom left him. Because of that he just let’s her walk out the door. Great parenting there dad. Don’t bother to drive to the airport to make share she gets on a plane safely considering its pitch black outside or even bother to give her money for the trip since she doesn’t have a job and there for NO MONEY. So after that poor excuse for and ingenues plan they send bella to her home town of phoenix while edward stays behind to hunt for sabertooth. Oh and bob marley had stopped by to tell the family that he wasn’t going to get involved in the whole thing. Some leader he is. The minutes theirs trouble he abandons his men. Did he start out with twenty clan members and started ditching them along the road of life?
Once bella gets to phoenix they set her up in a hotel. She decides to call her mother so she wouldn’t be worried about her. Why she even bothered seeing how her father had the brian cells of dugbeetle and probably never even bothered to call bellas mother to let her know bella was coming or even to check if bella arrived there safely anyway since it was never brought up from here to the end of the film is beyond me. But who should answer the phone? Why its sabertooth of course, saying he got her information from her school records.
Excuse me for a minutes I’m going to need some codeine for this one.
Alright first of all how did into her school much less her school records? How does he even know her name? Yes they did say her name at the baseball game but they called her bella and her full name is isabella marie swan. Even if he was smart enough to figure out bella was short for isabella and that’s a big if, how did he know her middle and last name? I refuse to believe she is the only isabella in the school and even if she was student records are organized alphabetically by LAST NAME. That means he wound have to search all the files from a to s before getting to her file. You mean no one stumble in one him while he was doing this? Does he have the power to make ppl bend to his will? Did he kill the office staff? Did he turn invisible?EEEEEXXXXXXPPPPPPPLLLLLLAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m ok, let just finish this.
Sabertooth tell bella to meet him at her old ballet school in phoenix and to come alone. Now maybe I missed something along the line of drifting in and out of this thing but wasn’t her mother in florida? Now if she moved back to phoenix why in the hell would you run there? There is a crazed kill who will kill the ones you love just to get to get to you which is why you left your father behind in the first place and run hide in the town where your mother lives? Real smart thinking there, why don’t introduce him to grandparents while you’re at it. And if he is in florida how the hell is she suppose to meet him in the ballet studio in the same day. Yeah he could flight out there but I’m pretty sure airport security is going to notice a sparkling man DRAGGING AN UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN BEHIND HIM. >
I’m ok, I’m ok
So bella rush to the studio alone only to find sabertooth with no mother. Wwwwhhhhaaaatttt??? He liedddd??? Yes bella you shit that’s what villains do. If you stop to use that lump on your shoulders you would have figured it out before hand!
So he tells bella he is going to torture her and then drink her blood when who should show up but edward. How did he know she was there. Alice had a vision of the two of them there. Maybe she should use that gift to find edward a smart girlfriend.
So finally we have a fight scene. Vampire against vampire something worth watching. What are they going to do jump off the ceilings, swing from chandlers and shit. Rip the floor up and use them as stakes to try and stab each other. Hell their they can pull forthy year old trees out the ground at the roots they should have no problem ripping support beams out and using them as battering rams right? So what do they do? Throw each other into walls again and again and again. At one point they did mix things up a bit and threw each other on to the floor. You just to make thing interesting but then wasn’t back to throwing each other into walls.
Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHORESHIT! THAT RIGHT I SAID WHORESHIT AS IN A WHORE TAKING A SHIT! I SAT THROUGH THIS BORING ASS MOVIE FOR AN HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES AND THE ONE CHANCE THEY HAVE TO REDEEM THEMSELVES THEY MANAGE TO MAKE IT EVEN WORSE! IT LIKE THEY WANT OUT OF THERE WAY TO MAKE THE MOST BORING MOVIE POSSIBLE. WHAT DID THE DIRECT COME GIVE THE ACTORS THE SCRIPT, POINT TO THE CAMERA AN SAID I’ll BE IN MY TRAILER TAKING A NAP! HOW DO YOU MAKE A FIGHT SCENE BORING, IT A FUCKING FIGHT SCENE. I’VE SEEN CRIPPLE FIGHTS MORE EXCITING THEN THIS! GOD!
So how during the fight bella gets her ankle broken and bitten by sabertooth on her wrist. Edward I guess out throws sabertooth since that’s all they have been doing for ten minutes and is about to kill him when his family arrive and said “no! We’ll kill him.” Oookkkkay bella might want to make a note that edwards family are blood thirsty savages. So while the rest edwards family is roasting sabertooth on and open fire his dad tells him the vampire venom is in bellas bloodstream and edward has three choice. Let her die, turn her, or suck the blood out of her. And edward actually has to think about it? Hey dick you already said you weren’t going to turn so there is only two choice left, drink her or she dies. What’s there to think about dumbass! So after two whole minutes of debating with his father about ( sabertooth is still roasting in the back ground by the way) he finally drinks her blood removing all the poison. I’m not even going into the plot hole of this one. Bella wakes up in the hospital and her mother has been given the story that she fell down the hallway steps through an window and edward rushed her to the hospital.
Nope I’m not going into it we’re almost at the finishline.
Fast forward to prom night where bella and edward show up with bella wearing a leg cast. She’s having trouble walking so edward glides her the the dance floor or what I think is a dance floor, it look more like a gazebo. Seeing how everyone in town is both blind and stupid no one notices the broken legged girl and her dead look boyfriend suddenly moving with uncanny smoothness. As they dance she ask edward again to turn her and he says no. And the story end with apirl o neal looking at them from some window.
The end…. OR IS IT!?
So we have reached the end and what are my thoughts?!
This movie SUCKS! There is only one interesting character in the film and she only get 15 minutes of screen time, plot is full of holes the size of moon craters, the special effect are mediocre, and the action scenes are just boring!
Next week: the original Clash of the Titans
Don’t forget I need a catch phrase and I take requests
Really movie? “I like to watch you sleep”?