Yes this was the movie that knocked Ang Lee down from a A-list director to a D-list director and jsut killed Bill Bixby period. This movie was so bad not only did it piss off comic fans and fans of just the TV show, it manage to piss off a generation who knew nothing of other two genres. Talk about a hat trick. So what made this movie so bad, i mean it’s the Hulk. It’s about a big green monster destroying things and fighting the army, When has Hollywood ever fucked that up?Point taken.So, let just see how they were able to fucking this one up.
the movie starts out with a bunch of science shit going on with no explanation or understanding to it. you see notes about immune systems and animals like jellyfish and starfish getting cut up, and there are a lot of special effects which only adds to your confusion. It’s kind of like watching Sponge Bob on acid.
Finally we see a scientist name David Banner talking to an army guy names Thaddeus E. Ross about building up the human immune system. I don’t know Ross’s ranking but I know at this point in the movie he is too young to be a General. I do know he is in charge of the Nevada base they are at so feel free to insert rank here. Ross tells him human testing is not allowed so Banner tests it on himself. He gets his wife pregnant and the kid is not born a normal child shown by him turning slightly green when his Dad takes a his pacifier out his mouth and he starts crying.
Problem already and we just started. Unless his mother is color blind, and if so it should be explain before hand, I think his mother would notice him CHANGING A SICKLY SHADE OF GREEN WHENEVER HE STARTS CRYING!! SHE SPENDS THE MOST TIME WITH HIM AND NEVER IS A CHILD ALWAYS HAPPY EVEN WITH IT’S MOTHER!!! THEY GET UPSET WHEN THEY’RE HUNGRY, THEY GET UPSET WHEN THEY’RE TIRED, SOME OF THEM EVEN GET UPSET WHEN THEY ARE LAYING IN THEIR OWN SHIT SO UNLESS SHE IS AS DUMB AS A ROCK I THINK SHE WOULD NOTICE SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HER CHILD!
Judging from the kids age four years go by and Ross finds out that Banner has done human testing and shuts down his work. Angry banner shuts of the safety systems on a bomb I guess they never really explain what it is and sets it to explode in thirty minutes. Why can this thing be set off by one person? Why can’t anyone else turn it off, they have thirty minutes??? Is banner the only scientist on the base??? Does this thing not have a fail safe shut off???? Was banner the only one in trusted with how this thing is operated????? That sound like not only a fatal design flaw but a fatal flaw in human judgement to me!!!
Banner hurries home takes him wife into another room to talk to her. they start to argue and then teenage Bruce walks up. Okay,for you future directors and writers out there this is a major faux pas in story telling. You can not have a memory dream sequence consisting of a point of view that the dreamer was NOT APART OF! HE WAS NOT IN THE LAB OR THE BASE ITSELF BUT IN THE TOWN ON BASE GROUNDS THE WHOLE TIME SO HE DIDN’T SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ROSS AND HIS FATHER MUCH LESS BEFORE BORN SO HOW IS HE DREAMING ABOUT IT!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT EVEN TEN MINUTES IN AND ALREADY THE SCRIPT IS FALLING APART!!!!
Anyway Bruce is living with foster parents, He doesn’t have any memories before he was 6, is a science nerd, leave for collage, becomes a scientist work at Berkely with his ex-girl friend Betty Ross. And what are they working on???? Why the same thing his father was of course. Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
Now I’m going to talk about the editing of this movie because it’s cool and shitty at the same time. They did this thing where when they cut for image to image they use comic book panels to do so. Anyone one who has ever read a comic or even just look through one quickly can see how the panels aren’t just squares side by side now a days. They are different shapes and sizes, sometimes over lapping to bring more life to the story. They did the same thing in this movie and it is fucking awesome! It’s unique, new to cinema and brings a cool aspect to the film. The problem is they DIDN’T KNOW WHEN TO STOP. Instead of just using it in really dramatic screens to inverses the importance, they used it ALMOST ALL THE TIME. Not only does this become very annoying but it loses all effect. I don’t need this kind of effect showing me different computer screens during their experiment. Especially when I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS SHOWING UP ON THE SCREEN!!! IF I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT, I DON’T CARE AND IF I DON’T CARE I DON’T NEED TO SEE IT.
We meet Talbert on of Betty’s ex’s who is in charge of some military science division. He wants to buy their research of course and Betty kicks him out.
The experiment falls and Betty and Bruce are working late trying to figure out what went wrong. They talk cryptically about their break up I guess, there was too much round about talk to really know what the hell they were talking about. They could have been talking about sweaters for all I know. She leaves and runs into the Janitor. She asks him what happen to lets just call him Bob and the Janitor replies “Bobs dead. I’m the new guy”. No really that’s what he says, “Bob’s dead. I’m the new guy”. He didn’t say he died, or he passed away, or hes gone. He says “hes dead”. That should set off warning signs. You go and tell security there’s some creepy guy upstairs talking about how hes the new janitor. But no, she just keeps on going. Then Bruce leaves, the janitor goes in there and picks up a hair. Ewwww!!! HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW WHO’S HAIR THAT IS ANYWAY? THEY BOTH HAVE BLACK HAIR! BESIDES I’M SURE THERE ARE ABOUT 50 OTHER PEOPLE IN THAT BUILDING WITH BLACK HAIR!!! What does he do, just walk around picking up hair all day using trial and error?!
God, I’m so bored out of my mind right now
We’re introduce to old Ross who can now be called general “Thunderbolt” Ross played by Sam Elliot who is one of the greatest actors who has ever lived. even in a movie as bad as this he is enjoyable to watch and really gives his all to the role. He is told to read a report about the experiments going on a Berkley because they involve his daughter Betty.
Talbert comes back and threatens to take over the research. Later one of Bruce’s associates is trying to fix the gamma ray machine when a short cause it to turn on. Bruce run in to save him because his mask is stuck to the machine while still around his neck. Bruce manages to get him unhooked but they are unable to get out in time so Bruce uses his body as a shield absorbing all the gamma rays. Bruce is in the hospital and is fine. Better then fine because all his old injuries are healed. They assume the experiment worked but don’t know why he didn’t explode like the test subject(no people were tested of course).Bruce has another nightmare and wakes up to fine the janitor sitting there. He tells Bruce that he is his father( no I’m not doing that joke, thank you) and that he didn’t die when Bruce was a child but was instead locked up for thirty years by General Ross. He also tells him it wasn’t the gamma rays that healed him but they had released what was already inside of him. Bruce tells him to get out.
After leaving Bruce, David does some experiment with Bruce’s hair and gamma rays turning a rat into a giant rat.
the next day after drawing blood from Bruce for him Betty goes to see her father for lunch who trys to warn her about Bruce. She gets pissed and leaves.
Bruce is looking at his blood under a microscope and finds something strange about it. What he found strange about it. I don’t know? They never say. They show us some green shit but that’s it. Hell, if you’re are not paying attention which is real easy with this film you don’t know what he is looking at. For some reason this makes him angry? Why is he angry about this? Shock, scared, surprise would all make sense but anger? I don’t get it?
Finally forty minutes into the movie we get to see the Hulk. This is another fuck up. you don’t wait forty minutes to show the hero of the movie. Twenty-five minutes is the max, that is more then enought time to do character developemnet before introducing the hero. The Hulk destorys the lab before jumping off somewhere. Wow… he was on screen a whole five minutes(not counting the transformation) at night so we can barely see what he looks like. whooptie fucking do…
The next day Betty goes by Bruce’s house to find him in ripped up jeans laying on his bed. She tells him that the lab has been destroyed and she asks him was he there. Now here is where I’m confused. He says no he wasn’t there but I’m not sure if he was just lying to her or he really didn’t remember. Then he goes on about having the most vivid dream about, rage and anger, and then tells her about how the janitor is really his father, just rambling on and on about plot points of the movie.
General Ross comes in and drops Bruce’s wallet on the table saying he left it at the lab last night. What’s stupid about this is Bruce FUCKING WORKS THERE! It’s not like Tiffany’s was destroyed and Bruce’s wallet was laying around. He could have easily dropped his wallet during the day, or right before he left. The fucking creepy janitor could have pick pocketed him and dropped the wallet when all hell broke lose. And how com they never bothered looking for the janitor to question? Ross just immediately ran to Bruce saying you did it.
They kick Betty out and Ross starts interrogating Bruce not about the lab but about the PAST! What does that have to do with the lab??? Anyway, Bruce says he doesn’t remember and Ross doesn’t believe him deciding to keep him under lock down. The only good thing about this scene is Sam Elliot. No matter how stupid the lines are his delivery just can’t help but put you on the edge of you seat.
Meanwhile Betty decides to find David Banner. They have a boring conversation and He decides to create Hulk dogs( I shit you not) to kill her. I’m pretty sure a gun would have worked just fine. FUCK, A ROCK WOULD HAVE WORKED JUST FINE!! WHY THE FUCK DID HE GO THROUGH ALL THE TROUBLE OF MAKING HULK DOGS TO KILL HER???? THEN HE CALLS BRUCE AND TELLS HIM WHAT HE DID!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!!!!!!
Talbert shows up and starts beating the shit out of Bruce for no real reason causing Bruce to turn into the Hulk. He beats the shit out of Talbert and his two guards then heads to Betty’s cabin. Betty hears something outside and goes to see what it is. She sees the Hulk hiding behind the fakes fucking tree I have ever seen. I mean this thing just screams plastic. And someone need to tell the hulk that he doesn’t exactly blend in with a tree that DOESN’T HAVE ANY LEAVES ON IT!!!!! I swear this tree makes this scene look like a scene from Poltergeist.
The hulk dogs arrive and and the Hulk beats the shit out of them so bad they literally get pounded into green jello. The Hulk staggers to the lake and turns back into Bruce. Betty takes him into the house to sleep for the night.
Ok, so the next morning Betty calls her father because she is scared and sets Bruce up to be captured. After getting shot with a tarnqualizer dart we get a uesless four minute scene of every fucking step of Bruce being transported to the old military base he use to live at. And I mean every fucking step. Another tip I DON’T NEED TO SEE EVERY STEP! IT’S FUCKING BORING!! IT’S LIKE IF I WAS WATCHING SOMEONE PLAY A VIDEO GAME WERE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THEIR BATHROOM ROUTINE BEFORE THEY GO OUT! WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE THAT?!? THERE IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT IN WATCHING SOMEONE TAKE A SHOW, BRUSH THEIR TEETH, SHAVE, AND USE THE TOILET!!!
The get to the base and Betty want to try to help Bruce remember his past in order to cure him because she thinks Bruces mental trama is manfesting itself physcially through the Hulk. Wow the first scientific explaination we go all movie and it sooooo lame. Else Daivid Banner does the gamma experiment on himself turning himself into a Absorbing man? Molecule man? Jello man?
Anyway they, walk through the burnt out town and nothing happens. Talbert goes over Rosses head and gets control over the Hulk project kicking Betty out. He tries to get Bruce to change by tazering him so he can get a sample of the Hulk (which doesn’t make sense because he did even try to check Bruces blood first) and when he knocks him out and puts him in some machine.
Betty returns home to find David there. He tells her to tell her father that he will turn himself in if he is allowed to see Bruce for one last time. He then proceed to tell her how he accedently killed him wife, and to kill two bird with one stone Ang Lee decided to the machine cause Bruce to have a nightmare about it. Well, Mr. Lee if you are trying to save time and redundancy it’s TOO LITTLE TO LATE. Most people have already walked out of the thearter.
The nightmare cause Bruce to change. He smashes up the base, fights the army in the desert and San Franisco before General Ross finally agrees to take Betty to him. The Hulk see Betty claims down and turns back into Bruce.
They take Daivid to see his son who does noting but ramble nonsense while pushing Bruces buttons to make him angry. David absorbs electricity from a near by cable turning him into lightening and he carries the Hulk of to the desert. David turns into some rocks and they fight. he turns into water and they fight. He starts absorbing energy from the Hulk making him weaker. David starts taunting him about giving all his energy and the Hulk says if you think you can handle it then take it all. the Hulk then starts to… scream? Wait what the fuck is going on??? WHAT’ S HE DOING??!?! WHY IS IT HURTING DAVID BANNER?!?!? HOW IS HE DOING WHATEVER THE HELL THE HULK IS DOING?!?!? WHY IS DAVID TURNING INTO A BIG GREEN WATER BUBBLE?!?!? WHY ARE THERE IMAGES IN THE BUBBBLE?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?! COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL WHAT THE FUCK I’M LOOKING AT!!!!!!!!! AAAAARRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!
THIS MOVIE SUCKS! YOU KNOW HOW I ALWAYS COMPLAIN THAT THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CHARACTER DEVELOPEMENT! WELL, THIS ONE HAS TOO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! IT HAS SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT YOU FIND OUT HOW BORING THESE CHARACTERS REALLY ARE! BRUCE WHAT’S YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY? BRUCE WHY DON’T YOU OPEN UP? BETTY DON’T WORRY IF FINE? DAD I THOUGHT YOU REALLY WANTED TO SEE ME, NOT GRILL ME ABOUT BRUCE?
SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPP!!!!!!!
ALL THESE FUCK PEOPLE DID WAS TALK MOST OF THE MONEY!!! THAT’S NOT WHAT I PAID TO SEE!!!!! THE ONLY WAY TO ENJOY THIS MOVIE IS TO FAST FOWARD TO THE HULK SCENES. IF THERE IS A SCENE WITH PEOPLES MOUTHS MOVING OR SO KIND OF SCIENCE SHIT GOING ON, SKIP IT!!! JUST GO RIGH ON PAST IT UNTIL YOU SEE THE GREEN MAN!!!! I MEAN REALLY HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP!!! NOT SCIENCE BATMAN AND ROBIN HAS A SUPERHERO BEEN FUCKED UP SO BAD.ANG LEE YOU SUCK!!!YOU SUCK AS A DIRECTOR, YOU SUCK AS AN ARTIST, YOU SUCK AS A HUMAN BEING !!! YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOM SMASH!!!! DOM TRASH!!!!!