Category Archives: Blogs

The Hulk review

by Tauhid Larokko on Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 2:54pm
Hello and welcome to Cinemastrophe. I’m Dom Perignon saving you from getting ripped off. Well, it’s August and you what that means. What do you mean you don’t? Oh, i guess i forgot to tell you… IT’S SUPERHEROES MONTH!!!!! That’s right for the entire month we are going to be looking at some of the worse superhero movies in cinema history. I’m probably going to have to break out the VHS for this one. Today we will kick things off with a movie from 2003 or as i like to call it the year of shitema, because 75% of the movies that year were shit. Movies like Terminator 3, Scary movie 3, Gothika, Gigli and Freddy vs. Jason all came out that year. Hell, I could do a whole month on that year alone. But we are going to talk about the worse of them all that year, The Hulk.
Yes this was the movie that knocked Ang Lee down from a A-list director to a D-list director and jsut killed Bill Bixby period. This movie was so bad not only did it piss off comic fans and fans of just the TV show, it manage to piss off a generation who knew nothing of other two genres. Talk about a hat trick. So what made this movie so bad, i mean it’s the Hulk. It’s about a big green monster destroying things and fighting the army, When has Hollywood ever fucked that up?Point taken.So, let just see how they were able to fucking this one up.

the movie starts out with a bunch of science shit going on with no explanation or understanding to it. you see notes about immune systems and animals like jellyfish and starfish getting cut up, and there are a lot of special effects which only adds to your confusion. It’s kind of like watching Sponge Bob on acid.
Finally we see a scientist name David Banner talking to an army guy names Thaddeus E. Ross about building up the human immune system. I don’t know Ross’s ranking but I know at this point in the movie he is too young to be a General. I do know he is in charge of the Nevada base they are at so feel free to insert rank here. Ross tells him human testing is not allowed so Banner tests it on himself. He gets his wife pregnant and the kid is not born a normal child shown by him turning slightly green when his Dad takes a his pacifier out his mouth and he starts crying.

Problem already and we just started. Unless his mother is color blind, and if so it should be explain before hand, I think his mother would notice him CHANGING A SICKLY SHADE OF GREEN WHENEVER HE STARTS CRYING!! SHE SPENDS THE MOST TIME WITH HIM AND NEVER IS A CHILD ALWAYS HAPPY EVEN WITH IT’S MOTHER!!! THEY GET UPSET WHEN THEY’RE HUNGRY, THEY GET UPSET WHEN THEY’RE TIRED, SOME OF THEM EVEN GET UPSET WHEN THEY ARE LAYING IN THEIR OWN SHIT SO UNLESS SHE IS AS DUMB AS A ROCK I THINK SHE WOULD NOTICE SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HER CHILD!

Judging from the kids age four years go by and Ross finds out that Banner has done human testing and shuts down his work. Angry banner shuts of the safety systems on a bomb I guess they never really explain what it is and sets it to explode in thirty minutes. Why can this thing be set off by one person? Why can’t anyone else turn it off, they have thirty minutes??? Is banner the only scientist on the base??? Does this thing not have a fail safe shut off???? Was banner the only one in trusted with how this thing is operated????? That sound like not only a fatal design flaw but a fatal flaw in human judgement to me!!!
Banner hurries home takes him wife into another room to talk to her. they start to argue and then teenage Bruce walks up. Okay,for you future directors and writers out there this is a major faux pas in story telling. You can not have a memory dream sequence consisting of a point of view that the dreamer was NOT APART OF! HE WAS NOT IN THE LAB OR THE BASE ITSELF BUT IN THE TOWN ON BASE GROUNDS THE WHOLE TIME SO HE DIDN’T SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ROSS AND HIS FATHER MUCH LESS BEFORE BORN SO HOW IS HE DREAMING ABOUT IT!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT EVEN TEN MINUTES IN AND ALREADY THE SCRIPT IS FALLING APART!!!!

Anyway Bruce is living with foster parents, He doesn’t have any memories before he was 6, is a science nerd, leave for collage, becomes a scientist work at Berkely with his ex-girl friend Betty Ross. And what are they working on???? Why the same thing his father was of course. Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

Now I’m going to talk about the editing of this movie because it’s cool and shitty at the same time. They did this thing where when they cut for image to image they use comic book panels to do so. Anyone one who has ever read a comic or even just look through one quickly can see how the panels aren’t just squares side by side now a days. They are different shapes and sizes, sometimes over lapping to bring more life to the story. They did the same thing in this movie and it is fucking awesome! It’s unique, new to cinema and brings a cool aspect to the film. The problem is they DIDN’T KNOW WHEN TO STOP. Instead of just using it in really dramatic screens to inverses the importance, they used it ALMOST ALL THE TIME. Not only does this become very annoying but it loses all effect. I don’t need this kind of effect showing me different computer screens during their experiment. Especially when I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS SHOWING UP ON THE SCREEN!!! IF I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT, I DON’T CARE AND IF I DON’T CARE I DON’T NEED TO SEE IT.

We meet Talbert on of Betty’s ex’s who is in charge of some military science division. He wants to buy their research of course and Betty kicks him out.

The experiment falls and Betty and Bruce are working late trying to figure out what went wrong. They talk cryptically about their break up I guess, there was too much round about talk to really know what the hell they were talking about. They could have been talking about sweaters for all I know. She leaves and runs into the Janitor. She asks him what happen to lets just call him Bob and the Janitor replies “Bobs dead. I’m the new guy”. No really that’s what he says, “Bob’s dead. I’m the new guy”. He didn’t say he died, or he passed away, or hes gone. He says “hes dead”. That should set off warning signs. You go and tell security there’s some creepy guy upstairs talking about how hes the new janitor. But no, she just keeps on going. Then Bruce leaves, the janitor goes in there and picks up a hair. Ewwww!!! HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW WHO’S HAIR THAT IS ANYWAY? THEY BOTH HAVE BLACK HAIR! BESIDES I’M SURE THERE ARE ABOUT 50 OTHER PEOPLE IN THAT BUILDING WITH BLACK HAIR!!! What does he do, just walk around picking up hair all day using trial and error?!

God, I’m so bored out of my mind right now

 So what have we learns so far in this film? there is a lot of science stuff happening, people talk a lot in this film, um…… there is a lot of science stuff happening oh and there are nightmares about past events that Bruce shouldn’t be having because a he wasn’t there to witness them. That’s about it. A half hour in and we got shit.
We’re introduce to old Ross who can now be called general “Thunderbolt” Ross played by Sam Elliot who is one of the greatest actors who has ever lived. even in a movie as bad as this he is enjoyable to watch and really gives his all to the role. He is told to read a report about the experiments going on a Berkley because they involve his daughter Betty.
Talbert comes back and threatens to take over the research. Later one of Bruce’s associates is trying to fix the gamma ray machine when a short cause it to turn on. Bruce run in to save him because his mask is stuck to the machine while still around his neck. Bruce manages to get him unhooked but they are unable to get out in time so Bruce uses his body as a shield absorbing all the gamma rays. Bruce is in the hospital and is fine. Better then fine because all his old injuries are healed. They assume the experiment worked but don’t know why he didn’t explode like the test subject(no people were tested of course).Bruce has another nightmare and wakes up to fine the janitor sitting there. He tells Bruce that he is his father( no I’m not doing that joke, thank you) and that he didn’t die when Bruce was a child but was instead locked up for thirty years by General Ross. He also tells him it wasn’t the gamma rays that healed him but they had released what was already inside of him. Bruce tells him to get out.

After leaving Bruce, David does some experiment with Bruce’s hair and gamma rays turning a rat into a giant rat.

the next day after drawing blood from Bruce for him Betty goes to see her father for lunch who trys to warn her about Bruce. She gets pissed and leaves.

Bruce is looking at his blood under a microscope and finds something strange about it. What he found strange about it. I don’t know? They never say. They show us some green shit but that’s it. Hell, if you’re are not paying attention which is real easy with this film you don’t know what he is looking at. For some reason this makes him angry? Why is he angry about this? Shock, scared, surprise would all make sense but anger? I don’t get it?
Finally forty minutes into the movie we get to see the Hulk. This is another fuck up. you don’t wait forty minutes to show the hero of the movie. Twenty-five minutes is the max, that is more then enought time to do character developemnet before introducing the hero. The Hulk destorys the lab before jumping off somewhere. Wow… he was on screen a whole five minutes(not counting the transformation) at night so we can barely see what he looks like. whooptie fucking do…

The next day Betty goes by Bruce’s house to find him in ripped up jeans laying on his bed. She tells him that the lab has been destroyed and she asks him was he there. Now here is where I’m confused. He says no he wasn’t there but I’m not sure if he was just lying to her or he really didn’t remember. Then he goes on about having the most vivid dream about, rage and anger, and then tells her about how the janitor is really his father, just rambling on and on about plot points of the movie.

General Ross comes in and drops Bruce’s wallet on the table saying he left it at the lab last night. What’s stupid about this is Bruce FUCKING WORKS THERE! It’s not like Tiffany’s was destroyed and Bruce’s wallet was laying around. He could have easily dropped his wallet during the day, or right before he left. The fucking creepy janitor could have pick pocketed him and dropped the wallet when all hell broke lose. And how com they never bothered looking for the janitor to question? Ross just immediately ran to Bruce saying you did it.

They kick Betty out and Ross starts interrogating Bruce not about the lab but about the PAST! What does that have to do with the lab??? Anyway, Bruce says he doesn’t remember and Ross doesn’t believe him deciding to keep him under lock down. The only good thing about this scene is Sam Elliot. No matter how stupid the lines are his delivery just can’t help but put you on the edge of you seat.

Meanwhile Betty decides to find David Banner. They have a boring conversation and He decides to create Hulk dogs( I shit you not) to kill her. I’m pretty sure a gun would have worked just fine. FUCK, A ROCK WOULD HAVE WORKED JUST FINE!! WHY THE FUCK DID HE GO THROUGH ALL THE TROUBLE OF MAKING HULK DOGS TO KILL HER???? THEN HE CALLS BRUCE AND TELLS HIM WHAT HE DID!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!!!!!!

Talbert shows up and starts beating the shit out of Bruce for no real reason causing Bruce to turn into the Hulk. He beats the shit out of Talbert and his two guards then heads to Betty’s cabin. Betty hears something outside and goes to see what it is. She sees the Hulk hiding behind the fakes fucking tree I have ever seen. I mean this thing just screams plastic. And someone need to tell the hulk that he doesn’t exactly blend in with a tree that DOESN’T HAVE ANY LEAVES ON IT!!!!! I swear this tree makes this scene look like a scene from Poltergeist.

The hulk dogs arrive and and the Hulk beats the shit out of them so bad they literally get pounded into green jello. The Hulk staggers to the lake and turns back into Bruce. Betty takes him into the house to sleep for the night.
Ok, so the next morning Betty calls her father because she is scared and sets Bruce up to be captured. After getting shot with a tarnqualizer dart we get a uesless four minute scene of every fucking step of Bruce being transported to the old military base he use to live at. And I mean every fucking step. Another tip I DON’T NEED TO SEE EVERY STEP! IT’S FUCKING BORING!! IT’S LIKE IF I WAS WATCHING SOMEONE PLAY A VIDEO GAME WERE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THEIR BATHROOM ROUTINE BEFORE THEY GO OUT! WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE THAT?!? THERE IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT IN WATCHING SOMEONE TAKE A SHOW, BRUSH THEIR TEETH, SHAVE, AND USE THE TOILET!!!

The get to the base and Betty want to try to help Bruce remember his past in order to cure him because she thinks Bruces mental trama is manfesting itself physcially through the Hulk. Wow the first scientific explaination we go all movie and it sooooo lame. Else Daivid Banner does the gamma experiment on himself turning himself into a Absorbing man? Molecule man? Jello man?
Anyway they, walk through the burnt out town and nothing happens. Talbert goes over Rosses head and gets control over the Hulk project kicking Betty out. He tries to get Bruce to change by tazering him so he can get a sample of the Hulk (which doesn’t make sense because he did even try to check Bruces blood first) and when he knocks him out and puts him in some machine.

Betty returns home to find David there. He tells her to tell her father that he will turn himself in if he is allowed to see Bruce for one last time. He then proceed to tell her how he accedently killed him wife, and to kill two bird with one stone Ang Lee decided to the machine cause Bruce to have a nightmare about it. Well, Mr. Lee if you are trying to save time and redundancy it’s TOO LITTLE TO LATE. Most people have already walked out of the thearter.

The nightmare cause Bruce to change. He smashes up the base, fights the army in the desert and San Franisco before General Ross finally agrees to take Betty to him. The Hulk see Betty claims down and turns back into Bruce.

They take Daivid to see his son who does noting but ramble nonsense while pushing Bruces buttons to make him angry. David absorbs electricity from a near by cable turning him into lightening and he carries the Hulk of to the desert. David turns into some rocks and they fight. he turns into water and they fight. He starts absorbing energy from the Hulk making him weaker. David starts taunting him about giving all his energy and the Hulk says if you think you can handle it then take it all. the Hulk then starts to… scream? Wait what the fuck is going on??? WHAT’ S HE DOING??!?! WHY IS IT HURTING DAVID BANNER?!?!? HOW IS HE DOING WHATEVER THE HELL THE HULK IS DOING?!?!? WHY IS DAVID TURNING INTO A BIG GREEN WATER BUBBLE?!?!? WHY ARE THERE IMAGES IN THE BUBBBLE?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?! COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL WHAT THE FUCK I’M LOOKING AT!!!!!!!!! AAAAARRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

THIS MOVIE SUCKS! YOU KNOW HOW I ALWAYS COMPLAIN THAT THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CHARACTER DEVELOPEMENT! WELL, THIS ONE HAS TOO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! IT HAS SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT YOU FIND OUT HOW BORING THESE CHARACTERS REALLY ARE! BRUCE WHAT’S YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY? BRUCE WHY DON’T YOU OPEN UP? BETTY DON’T WORRY IF FINE? DAD I THOUGHT YOU REALLY WANTED TO SEE ME, NOT GRILL ME ABOUT BRUCE?
SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPP!!!!!!!
ALL THESE FUCK PEOPLE DID WAS TALK MOST OF THE MONEY!!! THAT’S NOT WHAT I PAID TO SEE!!!!! THE ONLY WAY TO ENJOY THIS MOVIE IS TO FAST FOWARD TO THE HULK SCENES. IF THERE IS A SCENE WITH PEOPLES MOUTHS MOVING OR SO KIND OF SCIENCE SHIT GOING ON, SKIP IT!!! JUST GO RIGH ON PAST IT UNTIL YOU SEE THE GREEN MAN!!!! I MEAN REALLY HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP!!! NOT SCIENCE BATMAN AND ROBIN HAS A SUPERHERO BEEN FUCKED UP SO BAD.ANG LEE YOU SUCK!!!YOU SUCK AS A DIRECTOR, YOU SUCK AS AN ARTIST, YOU SUCK AS A HUMAN BEING !!! YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOM SMASH!!!! DOM TRASH!!!!!

Repomen review part 2

by Tauhid Larokko on Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 6:32pm

let’s just get this shit over with before I hang myself. Law gets out the hospital only to find that his key doesn’t work because while he was fighting for his life his wife had them changed. That’s right ladies you shouldn’t bother visiting the man you loved and is father of your child who’s only crime is not changing careers while he is laying in the hospital near death. No the right thing to do is to have his bags ready and change the locks so on the the off chance he might survive he has no place to stay ha ha.

What…the…fuck…

just take a few shot, I’m sure there are a lot of unanswered question end that paragraph.

Law moves in with jake and after failing to be able to repo any organs or sell them either because he is now one of them he ends up using all his saving paying for his heart and is now overdue. Yes the company is making him pay for the heart even though he and jake are clearly the best repomen they have. Jake takes Law to a junk neighborhood I guess and tells him not to come back without enough organs to pay for his heart. If they know this place is here why don’t they send repomen there everyday to clean up. That’s like the cops knowing there is a crackhouse around the corner and not bothering to do anything about it. After being left there, some friend, Law gets hit in the head with a pipe and knock out. He wakes up to find the singer from the bar who has had so many organs replaced she might as well be a transformer high as a kite. He decides to go on the run taking her with him. After detoxicing a scene of her being ungrateful the two have sex. Don’t ask. But all is not well as a repoman comes looking for them. They trick the repo into falling through a hole when the floor collapses cause the bionic woman to fall as well damaging her kneecap. Law takes her to get her knee fixed by a 9yr old, again don’t ask, he sneaks into the his form company building dressed as one of the mascots and tries to get Frank to take them out of the system. You have to love frank he is clearly dealing with an unstable person with a gun pointed at him and still trying to offer Law a reduced payment plan. Having failed to get frank to take them out of the system Law says they have to leave the country.

Now before we go any further I have to address this. Everything takes place in one fucking city. If I’m on the run why the fuck would I stay in one city. Even to go to the airport they go to the one in the same got damn city. Would the smart thing to do is use a airport in a different city? They have a car, why not use it to drive to a different state. Is there some kind of forcefield keeping them from leave? The who country one big city? Explain movie!

Two more shots.

They get to the airport and have to go through these metal detectors things that scan for pastdue organs. Now clearly the union has ties with the airport, so why don’t they send a picture of Law to them. He worked for the company so they have a picture of him on file from his licence. WHY NOT SEND A PICTURE SO WHEN I HE WALKS INTO THE AIRPORT THEY CAN DETAIN HIM!!! That’s another shot. Of course there is a repo there scanning ppl as well looking for him. WHY DOESN’T HE AT LEAST HAVE A PICTURE OF HIM!?! GOD THIS MOVIE IS SO STUPID!!! They get through using this device that masks there fake organs but the T100’s knee starts to bleed. Now this has to be the DUMBEST part of the whole movie. Her knee isn’t just bleeding but her foot is standing in a puddle of blood and the woman in front of her very calmly turns around and says “excuse me, miss. You leg is bleeding.” And then just as calmly turns back around and walks away. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT!?! I mean its a puddle of blood!?! No are you ok, no oh my god, no holy shit, just excuse me your leg is bleeding. I guess she would walk up to a guy who has just been shot and say excuse me you have a hole in you’re chest too! They take them to the first aid room to treat RC’s knee when they are discovered. They kill they guards and two repo before running. Jake sees them but can’t get to them because of a glass wall. Oh yeah take four more shots I think… I’m really starting to los count.

They head back to the slums where they find one of Vickie’s friends dead. Who killed him? Why it was Jake. Law asks how he knew where to find them and jake says the same Law would have.

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! LAW HAD NO IDEA WHERE THEY WERE GOING, HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THE DEAD PERSON! THE TERMINATOR HAVE TO SHOW HIM WERE THIS PERSON LIVED! THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME GOING TO THIS PLACE EVEN IF IT IS IN THE SLUMS SO HOW COULD JAKE FIGURE IT OUT! EVEN WORST HOW COULD JAKE GET THERE BEFORE THEM!!! NO… DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!

NOT ONLY THAT ONLY THAT BUT JAKE TELL HIM HE REWIRED THE DEFIB UNIT TO ELECTROCUTE LAW SO HE WOULDN’T GO TO SALES. HOW DID HE KNOW THAT IT WASN’T GOING TO KILL HIM!?! FORGET THAT I’M SUPPOSE TO BELIEVE THE JAKE WHO NOT ONLY LOOKS AS DUMB AS A ROCK BUT ACTS AS DUMB AS ROCK KNOWS HOW TO REWIRE A DEFIB UNIT TO PUT OUT ENOUGH ELECTRICAL ENERGY TO DAMAGE LAWS HEART BUT NOT KILL HIM! DINOSAURSHIT!!! LAW EVEN SAID WHEN THEY FIRST MET JAKE WAS IN HIS GRADE BECAUSE HE GOT LEFT BACK THREE TIMES AND I’M SUPPOSE TO BELIEVE JAKE IS AN ELECTRONIC WHIZ!?! I’LD HAVE AN EASER TIME BELIEVING IN THE TOOTHFAIRY!

 

I’m okay just give me a minute

 

NO NO THIS PIECE OF SHIT FUCKING MOVIE!!! I’ll BURN IT YOU HEAR! I’ll BURN EVERY COPY THEN PISS ON IT WITH GASOLINE JUST TO BURN IT AGAIN I TELL YOU! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 

 

Ok I’m good now

 

Where were we. SON OF BITCH COCKSUCKING WRITERS I’LL BREAK THEIR HAND AND MAKE SURE THEY NEVER WRITE ANOTHER PIECE OF SHIT LIKE THIS AGAIN! I’ll GET THE FOR THIS TORTURE IF IT’S THE LAST THING I FUCKING DO! I SWEAR BY ALL THAT IS HOLY THEY WILL PAY FOR THIS, THEY WILL PAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

 

So jake kicks Laws ass before Law stabs him in the leg Jake gets pissed raises a crane hook starts to bring it down on Laws head and everything goes black.

Law is woken up by 7of 9 who has shot Jake in the back with a tazer dart. Then out of no where the slums are raided by Repomen. They run with the rest of the ppl in the slums and are eventually dragged into a metal room. Wait a minute, what so special about this room that the devices which can see through an oil tanker 400 hundred yards away can’t find them? Take a shot. When the repomen have left and law sees all the dead ppl left behind. He tells mother 1 that the only way they will be free is the destroy the central main frame at the unions home building. After meeting his son on a train and giving him a manual script he wrote while on the run( they found a typewriter in some junk) they’re off to the home building.

Now by this time my brain had turned to mush so thing are a bit fuzzy for me. They stun the guards outside and sneak into the building. Law says that the main computer is located in the room called the pink door. Somehow they get noticed and have to run. They go through a door and enter the whiteroom from the matrix filled with hundreds of technicians working on artificial organs. Apparently the techs are use to strange dirty ppl coming in because they all look up and then back down to their work.

Not going to let it get to me, bleach is happy music.

They walk….. in a direction since there are no walls in this place when he notices a tech finally realizing something is not quite right about these two and starts heading somewhere. Law yells at him just in time to heard the guy behind him get shot. Now everyone starts to run. Law follows the first guy although how he could tell them apart in beyond me since they are all wearing white jumpsuit, white caps, and white facemasks, to an exit. They go through the door and see a sign that says pinkdoor with an arrow pointing to the right.

Bleach is the happy music, bleach is the happy music. Happy happy…. HAPPY!

 

Somehow Law manages to get a gun off of one of the guards and kill the rest. They get to the pinkdoor and there are about a twelve business men and one woman standing in front of it. He give Rosie(from the Jetsons) the gun and tells her to shot anyone that comes through the door behind them while he fights them since he was low on bullets. Here’s the thing. Not only do the businessmen attack him but all of them actually know head to head combat. Law pulls out everything but the kitchen sink from his duffel bag to beat these guys. I’m not kidding. You name it, he pulled it out… except a gun. After that pointless fight scene they use Cherry 2000 eye to open the door which really is pink since you need a fake organ to get in. Once inside law starts bitching that there is no keyboard. Why does he need a key board? Didn’t they come here to destroy the main computer to ride this city-country of the system? Don’t they have explosives or something to blow up the room?

Law then say they can’t input a serial number without a keyboard.

 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! THEY WENT THROUGH ALL THIS JUST TO TAKE THEMSELVES OUT OF THE SYSTEM! THE FUCKING MOVIE SHOWS UP A DRAMATIC SCENE OF LAW LOOKING OVER ALL THE DEAD BODIES AND HAVE HIM GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW NO MORE SYSTEM MEANS EVERYONE IS FREE ONLY TO FIND OUT HE IS JUST AS SELFISH AS HE ALWAYS WAS!!! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT SCENE THEN!?! AND WHAT DO THEY EXPECT TO HAPPEN WHEN THEY GET THEMSELVES OUT OF THE SYSTEM, THE COMPANY IS JUST GOING TO LET THEM GO!?! NO THE COMPANY IS GOING TO CRACK THEIR SKULLS AS SOON AS THEY WALK OUT THE ROOM!!!

No… I’m not going to let it get to me. That’s two more shots. One for not explaining why or when the plan changed and one for not explaining the point of that scene.

Law says the only way to get out of the system is to cut themselves open and to scan the organ with the scanner on the table. This movie just entered the retard zone.

this is what the scanner looks like. I’m suppose to believe that these ppl are able to cut themselves open, put this big piece of shit along with the hand holding it inside there bodies, move it around to find the barcodes without causing serious internal damage let alone killing each other??? I give up. You win movie, you win. There is no way to make any sense of this crap so I just give up trying. It might has well been written by a crackheaded alien.

Meanwhile in the hall of justice jake manages to get a fake organ from one of the dead ppl and use it to lett him and fank in. They see Law trying to scan the last darth vaders organs( I ran out of female name to call her) but she is about to die. Jake asks if she is worth it and Law says yes. Frank tells jake to kill them but jake kills frank instead and save the girl with some kind of shot. He then puts two bombs in the organ collection slot and blows up the main computer. The three of them end up on an island together and they live happily ever after… or do they? No… they don’t. Turns out Jake really did hit law in the head with that crane hook and had Law hooked up to a machine that allows him to stay alive while living in a VR world. He even pays for it out of his own pocket with enough credits to last Laws whole life, what a pal. Oh and the girl is laid out on the floor with jake telling someone he would take care of her.

 

THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!! THE STORY IS STUPID, THE PLOT IS FULL OF HOLE AND UNEXPLAIN QUESTIONS, THE ACTION ISN’T ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR ITS LACK OF CONTENT, AND THE ENDING IS HORRIBLE.

To be fair this VR machine was mention earlier in the move give. Some forshadowing of the event to come but the problem was it was forest whitaker talking about it in a normal conversation and unless he is excited or upset the audience doesn’t pay attention to anything that man had to say because he puts you to sleep. He is like the human jigglepuff.

 

200 × 189 – bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net

 

look at the to pictures, they even look alike.

 

SUCK MY BALLS MOVIE! SUCK THEM, THEN LIKE THEM, THEN SUCK THEM AGAIN!!!

 

NEXT WEEK: A HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT

 

 

Again I left a lot out. This time it was because I didn’t want to die of alcohol poisoning

Repomen review part 1

Repomen review blog

by Tauhid Larokko on Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 12:55pm

hello and welcome to cinemastrophe where we take a look at the worst in the movie business. Today we are going to take about a look at the flaming puss bucket called Repomen. What makes this movie so bad? Well let just say a retard person who has lived their whole life in a. Staircase with no contact with the outside world could come up with a story that made more sense then this piece of ass hair. Be warned you well lose brain cells from watching this movie of even reading this review about the movie. With being said let’s dive right in.

 

So our story begins in someone’s apartment. There Remy our main character played by Jude law is taking out surgical tools. A couple enters the apartment fooling around for a good five minutes before realizing Law (I’m not calling him Remy, it makes me feel like a damn Cajun  is even there. I love how writing think the audience is so stupid that we will actually believe it takes five for two ppl fondling each other to notice stranger standing 15 feet away from them. Law tells him he is from the union and the guy starts to panic say he can pay the money right now. Law says it not his department and shoots the man with a taser gun. I say taser gun because its’s a gun that shoots out actual bullets that tasers ppl instead of the two prongs with cords attach to them. The guy hits the floor and the woman bitches until law shoots her two. Why all the song and dance instead of them calling the cops? Because this all perfectly legal. Why is this legal? Because he’s a repoman working for a company called the union that sell ppl artificial organs at outrageous prices on payment plays and repossess the organs when a payment is 30 days overdue.

WHAT GOVERNMENT WOULD EVEN ALLOW THIS!?! These ppl have their organs cut out without proper medical attention which means most of them DIE and its ok because they owe money!?! Was the writer smoking crack!?! Were the producers on crystal meth for even putting money into this shit!?! Was I sniffing glue before seeing this bullshit!?! I don’t know!?! Hell I don’t even know where this takes place!?! Is it the future, the present, another reality, another PLANET!?! I DON’T KNOW! EXPLAIN MOVIE! Oh and Law explains his job while drive through the city. What city? I DON’T KNOW! They don’t even tell you that! Let’s play a game. Grab some hard liquor and every time they don’t explain something take a shot. That’s three already.

Law goes to his branch office of the union through the front door where we see ppl getting conned into buying prosthetic organs. Here we meet Laws boss Frank played by Liev Schreiber. First I have to say I love these guy. It doesn’t matter what the role is he always plays it unbelievingly well. Even in a piece of shit movie like this when he walks on screen you can tell he’s a slimy sleazy who could sell ice to an eskimo. In fact he is the only good thing about this movie and even he couldn’t save it.

Frank scolds Law front coming in through the front because he doesn’t want to scare the customers away. How do you keep organ repossession a secret? What, do they have a don’t ask don’t tell policy? Take a shot.

While logging in the liver Law just reposed in walks Laws partner Jake played by mr. Sleepy eyes himself Forest Whitaker. Jake and Law decide to go for a drink but Law has to take to his wife first. Here we find out that they are having problems because she wants Law to move to sales. Once again a plot that makes no sense and is given no explanation. Did she marry him while was already a repoman? If so she knew what he did and had no problems with it. If he got the job after they were married why did she let him take the job? What, was it okay for him to murder ppl when they were broke but now that they have money she has a change of heart? Another shot.

After that stupidness they go to the bar were Law becomes infatuated with the singer on stage and stares at her during her set. Well at least he’s not watching her sleep.

 

The next day Law is having a bbq at his house when he gets a call. He asks to borrow Laws apron because a cab buddy of his is bring by a guy with a pass due organ and promises to give ‘aw some oh the commission. Law agrees and jake goes out in front of the house and proceeds to cut the mans organ out in the cab in broad daylight. Who should walk to the front door and see this? Nooo, not the wife but Laws son. Then the wife comes out and sees, with law hot on her trail. She starts to yell at jake and what do dumb and dumber have to say to her bitching. Its just a kidney, he has another. Meanwhile the man is bleeding to death with blood flowing out of the cab. Laws kid even has the balls to take a picture of the whole thing. What was he going to do take it to show and tell? Laws wife grabs her son put him in the car and leaves to stay at her sisters saying either Law transfers into sales or she is leaving him for good.

So what does jake do to cheer law up? Takes him on a job of course. They raid a tanker boat full of ppl with past due organs. They find them using a device that can read for past due organ through three feet of steel at leat 400 YARDS AWAY. Why were the ppl hiding in the tanker, where they planning on taking a trip? Why were there no guards protecting the tanker? Why am I still watching this shit? That’s two more shots.

So after collecting their booty thy go back to fank to drop them off. Law is about to ask for a transfer but Jake stops him and they leave. Jake tells Law before he leaves repo he should jo one last job. Law thinking jake is right decided to take the job of a famous musican who Law is a fan of because nothing shows you’re a true fan like cutting out you idols fart…hart. MC Hammer realizes why Law is there and just accepts it. MC Hammer lays on the floor and Law uses a defibrillator to stop the artificial hart.which backfires launching Law across the room.

and now its time for science 101. The way a defib unit works is by sending an electrical current from one paddle to the other using the body to close the circuit like when you switch a light switch in the on position. It give a Short small shock to shock to contract the heart muscle hoping to cause a rest from the relaxing of the muscle. So why in the hell didn’t it send him flying across the room? How in the hell can it even backfirers like that? What does the heart run on that it send out enough electrissty to cause. That to happen!?! The fucking thing is made out of metal! For its power source to give off to give off enough energy to do that mean it must also heat up the heart itselve which also means it MUST BE CAUSEING INTERAL DAMAGE ALREADY!! SO HOW IN THE HELL IS HE EVEN WALKINNG AROUND WITHOUT BEING IN CONSTANT PAIN!?! ITS NOT LIKE A PACEMAKER THAT SIMPLY MONITORS THE HEART AND SENDS A SMALL SHOCK WHEN THERE IS A PROBLEM, THIS FUCKING THING IS PUMPING BLOOD 24 HOURS A DAY! TRY LEAVE YOUR PLAYSTATION ON FOR 24 HOURS AND THEN TOUCH THE BOTTOM OF IT! THAT BITCH IT HOT AS HELL AND THAT THROUGH THE PLASTIC COVER! NO IMAGE THAT HEAT ON METAL IN YOUR FUCKING BODI! Oh yeah two more hots.

So jake, I mean Law wakes up in the hosptial. How the fuck did he get there? The only other person who was there was hammer and since he was the one the shock came fro he must have been fried. And even if he wasn’t why the hell would he call an ambulance? Who the fuc would call an ambolance for someone who just tried to cut out their heart? How long has he been in the hosptil? Days, weeks, moths? They never say. Four …no two more shots… I think

After waing up in the hsotpil aw finds he was no given a artifcal hart. So wha appens next? Who care I’m drunck!

Clash of the Titans review

hello and welcome back to another one of my movie reviews. Today I thought with the remake coming out on Friday that we’d take a look at the original 1981 classic clash of the titans. Now I was a kid I watched this movie at least four times and still had no idea what the hell was going on. Even as an adult up until I watched it again a few weeks ago I could only remember a flying horse, a talking statue head, medusa, people wearing togas, and a golden owl. So what do I remember now? Well let’s get into that shall we.

So our story starts off with a sea funereal. Well that’s a depressing start. They could have at least showed who died instead of just the casket. Nooo, its not a funereal but and execution… silly me I get though confused all the time seeing how everyone carries caskets to an execution. Turns out the king of Argos is executing his daughter. Why? Because she had a child out of wedlock. What the king doesn’t know is that child is Zeus king of the gods. I guess the jokes on the king of Argos or it will be. Now I look this up and it is part of the greek myth which makes me wonder what the he’ll were the greeks smoking. Apparently Zeus desired the princess so he disguised himself as a shower of gold to sleep with her. I don’t even know what that means. Was a an actual shower made of gold? Was liquid gold or gold dust pouring into her room? When they said shower did they mean a big pile of gold? And why gold, why not a good looking man? I mean who the hell has sex with gold? Have you ever heard of anyone looking at a piece of gold and say ” yeah, I’m gonna get me some of that tonight!”? No, at least not sexually. How the hell did she get pregnant? What did the gold shoot out little gold sperm? And why does he need a disguised anyway he’s fucking Zeus king of the gods? If Carrot Top can get laid just for being a celebrity then it should be no trouble for A GOD!

So thinking his daughter is a slut back whore he orders her and her son to be executed. Congratulations king asshole you just won the worst parent in existence award. And how was she to be executed? By putting them in a coffin and dumping them into the sea. On top of this king numb nuts has the nerve to dedicate the execution to Zeus himself. Just slowly digging that grave there. Maybe he should have ask who’s kid it was first. That might have helped.

And then we’re watching a seagull. I’m not kidding I watched a seagull flying during the opening credits. It was entertaining I must say because it was one of the worst blue screen effect I have ever seen. It look like someone handed a paper mache bird on a stick to a guy with parkinson’s and told him to stand in front of a blue screen.

Ok ok that was the only parkinson’s joke I swear.

So the bird lands ion olympus and it turns out it was Poseidon the god of the sea all along. Why did he turn into a bird? Should he turn into a fish or a whale or something that lives in the sea. Why does he bother turning into anything at all? Can’t he just appear at olympus whenever he wants? It is the home of the gods. You know so far these gods really suck. Poseidon tells Zeus what has happened (snitch) and Zeus gets pissed and decided to destroy the whole freaking city. Zeus ladies and gentlemen, king of the gods and total douche bag. Why destroy the whole city? The people didn’t throw her in the ocean her dad did why not just kill him?! and did he give them a nice peaceful death seeing how 99 percent of the ppl were innocent? No he sends a fucking monster twice the size of godzilla that looks like the creature from the black lagoon called the Krakan to crush the place. Classy. But then he crushes the king before the Krakan even gets there so what was the fucking point!!! He tell poseidon the make sure his son who is named perseus by the way and his get some where safe so poseidon puts them on the island of Seriphos.

A few nude scenes later and perseus is now a man. Zeus being thoroughly pleased with how his son turned out bragging about him when Thetis goddess of the sea decides to ask about the fate of her son calibos who is suppose to marry Andromeda princes of Joppa. Zeus being pissed about calibos killing all of Zeus winged horses save pegasus punishes Calibos by turning him into some mutant creature causing him to live in the swamps as an outcast. By the way Zeus does mention the name of the creature he turns calibos into but I have no idea what it is because when Zeus said it he sounded like Marlin Brando with a mouth full of glue.

Angered by this she decide that is Calibos can’t marry Andromeda no man can and places a curse on her that any suitor must answer a riddle before they can marry her and if they fail they must die. She also moves Perseus from Serphos to Joppa when Zeus isn’t looking. Yonk!

Perseus wakes up in a theater on Joppa were he meets Micky from Rocky. After telling Micky he is heir to the throne of Argos Micky( yes he will be Micky throughout this review) is in awe. Apparently. Being heir to a kingdom still gets you prestige even if that kingdom is now one giant graveyard.

And what does Zeus do when he finds out about this? He give Perseus weapons of course. Yes because when I find out that someone took my child out of his playpen and place in a dumpster I’m going to give my child some gloves and a bag to separate the recycling instead of beating the hell out of the person who put him there and placing my child back in the playpen. 

So Perseus is given a helmet that makes him invisible, the sword of grayskull, and a really shiny shield.

Now that he’s armed and dangerous Perseus decides to take a trip into town when he hear about Andromeda and must see her beauty. So what does he do? He puts on his helmet, sneaks into her room and watches her sleep. Well at least now I know who Edward took romance lessons from.

While her is…watching her sleep a giant vulture carry a huge ass birdcage lands on the baloney. Where the hell are the guards. You mean to tell me no one sees rodan carrying cinderellas pumpkin carriage landing on the balcony? No one?! What did they graduate from special ed soldier school I mean come on?! Anyway Andromeda’s spirit leave her body, gets into the birdcage and the vulture carries her off. Perseus wants to know were she goes at night and Micky suggest they capture pegasus to follow them next time. My head hurt from remembering all these greek names.

I’m really no one sees the 747 landing on top of the castle.

So after perseus captures and tames pegasus in a whole five minutes. He’s the son of Zeus so I’ll give him that one, he’s all set the follow mothra the next night, or the night after they really don’t give you defining time lines in the movie. He follows andromeda to the swamp were her spirit meets up with calibos. He gives her the riddle which I assume is different from last one they never really say by showing her a picture of randomness. Oowwwwww mmmmaaagggiicccccc. I mean really it doesn’t look like anything, not word, not shapes nothing. Five year olds create drawings that make more sense. They could have at least tried. After sending her on her way calibos notice footprint following her with no body. He follows the footprints into the swamps and attach perseus from behind causing him to lose his helmet. There is a struggle and the scene ends. Well that’s for the foreplay but no intercourse movie. Would you like to kick me in the balls too.

The next day perseus arrives at the castle to answer the riddle. Now this is the dumbest riddle I have every heard in my life. Its mumbled, makes no sense and has nothing to do with the answer. Here is the riddle in modern times.

“What has blue diamonds, green clovers, and purple horseshoes?”

“Ummm…. barney the dinosaur?”

“Yes. He has solve the riddle.”

If you could see my face right now. 

After solving the riddle perseus throws calibos hand onto the floor in the middle of the room. ( I got nothing) he explains how they fought in the swamp and offered to spare calibos life if he broke the curse and left the ppl of joppa alone. Wouldn’t killing calibos a solving the riddle do the same thing? Why bother with making the deal? I could understand if he felt sorry for him at least that would make sense ut no he spared him to break the curse. Then why bother solving the riddle at all? It just don’t make sense!

With the curse broke perseus and andromeda are to be married and zeus is bragging like the pompous jerk he is. Then comes a scene where thetis, athena, aphrodite, and heria are all talking about how zues tried to sleep with them and they all have a good laugh about it, well all except heria who is just wondering around in the background. This is what we call a “big lipped allegator moment”.

The term stems from the movie All Dogs go to Heaven where charlie the main character of the story, voice by burt reynolds, goes into the sewers and runs into this big lipped allegator. They have a big song and dance number which serve no purpose to the plot nor does it movie the story along in anyway and is never mentioned in the rest of the movie. Its like it never happened.( thanks to nostalgia chick for the bit of info.)

During the wedding andromeda’s mother has the balls to say her daughter was more beautiful then Thetis in from of Thetis own statue no less. This causes an uproar with thetis as the head of the statue breaks off falls to the ground and begins to talk. Why did the head had to break off, couldn’t she just make it talk from where it was? What was she just tired of looking down at ppl so she decide to look up at them? Was she trying to hit Andromeda’s mother because if she was she missed by a mile. In fact she missed everyone by a mile. It just fell to the ground like a deflated basketball.

Thetis decide to punish joppa by destroying the city unless they sacrifice andromeda to the kraken in 30 days. Why the hell did she give them so much time? Why not tomorrow or in two hours? Zeus didn’t give a warning. Those ppl never saw it coming. On minute the were skipping through the streets the next minute SLAP everyone’s dead. But 30 day? Hell everyone could have moved out by then.

Perseus wants to kill the kraken and Micky who was finally give lines again to make him useful says the three old witch might know how to do it. So with a small party of soldiers they go off to find the witches. ADVENTURE HOOOO!!!!! Andromeda insists on coming along even though perseus tells her its too dangerous but she pulls rank on him and anytime a woman pulls rank on you it means she is going to be nagging you the whole trip. ” this hill is too steep. Why can’t we cross the river here? The ground to hard I can’t sleep. You’re going too fast. The trees are making too much noise.” You know how women are.

Oh and calibos manages to capture pegasus who has to be the stupidest horse I have ever seen. Perseus caught him at this water hole while he was drink. You think he would be wary after the first time but no he gets caught again at the SAME WATER HOLE. I’m god could he be any stupider.

Along the way to the witch perseus receives a golden owl to replace the helmet he lost in the swamp which only he can understand. What good it that?! If perseus gets in trouble the owl can’t get help for he because no one can UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS SAYING. No to mention its the clumsiest hunk of junk ever created. Ja Ja Binks is a better sidekick. On second thought I’d rather have the owl. At least you can sell it.

They finally make to the witch and perseus manages to steal the crystal ball they use to see forcing them to tell him how to kill the Krakan. They tell him to cut off medusas head and use it to turn the Krakan to stone. They also tell him that because he has touched the crystal ball he will receive a red cloak that will protect him from medusa blood. He toss them the eye and leaves. The next scene he is wearing a red cape. They don’t show him find it or his white one turn red which was still white when left the the witches. Its just there in the next scene. Well thanks for that movie anything else you want to pull out of you ass for us. A magic gun perhaps or how about spaceship since thing are just appearing now.

So to recap pegasus is stupid, andromeda is bossy, the gods are bored with too much time on their hands and perseus has yet to do anything useful in this movie. Got it.

They set camp for the night and Andromeda wakes up to find she has been ditched. No guards no food just the horse she rode in on. Our hero ladies gentlemen. Personally I blame the nagging and he just did what all us man have thought about doing. I can imagine the pow wow with his party the night before.

” ok so we’ll get up extra early, pack our stuff, leave quietly and hope for the best.”

“But sir, should we leave at least one guard to protect her?”

“I said hope for the best.”

“But sir, what if…”

“I said…. hope for the best!”

So they cross the river to the gates of the underworld where medusa is suppose to be living. Once on the other side they ARE ATTACKED BY CERBURUS…who..only …have…two….heads. I guess the budget could afford a cerburus with three heads so they went with two. After killing the poor excuse for the gate guard they enter medusa lair. She turn one guy to stone and shoots a few with some arrows. Perseus hides behind a pillar, throws his shield in the arms of a statue so he can see medusa reflection since it can’t turn you to stone and waits. And waits. And waits. And wait.s, MY GOD IS SHE SLOW!! DID THEY INTERRUPT HER IN THE MIDDLE OF A HONEY BATH!?! DOES HER TAIL WEIGHT A TON SO SHE HAS TO DRAG IT ALONG !?!

YOU SAID IT MR. T! I’M SURPRISE PERSEUS DIDN’T FALL ASLEEP WAITING THERE FOR SO LONG. MICHAEL J FOX MOVES FASTER THEN THIS!?! That was a Michael j fox joke not a Parkinson joke. Five hours later medusa FINALLY gets into range and cuts her head off. He wraps it up in his cloak and head back to Joppa with the three remaining men in his party. Wait a second what happen to Micky? He was there at the beginning of the quest. He was there when they found the golden bird. He was even there to see the witch. But when andromeda woke up he was gone too. Did he suddenly get scared and just leave. I think he got that call for rocky 2 and said fuck you bitches I’m out. Peace!

On there way back to joppa they set up camp with the owl to keep watch. That’s a smart idea right? Except the owl actually start to fall asleep. Are you fucking kidding me. Its a GOD DAMN MACHINE! ITDOENS’T NEED TO SLEEP OR EAT OR SHIT FOR THAT MATTER! THE ONLY THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN IS ITS BATTERIES RUNNING OUT AND SINCE IT WAS MADE BY THE GOD IT SHOULD HAVE AN UNLIMITED SOURCE OF POWER….GOD! Because the ROBOT OWL is falling asleep calibos enters their camp knocks it in the water, scares off the horse and cuts holes in the cloaks. Medusa blood drips out creating giant scorpions. Why go through all that trouble? Why not just stabbed everyone in their sleep? Look it simply, they’re laying there already dead to the world just walk over and chop they’re head off one by one end of story, you win, movie over. But nooooo he has to make scorpions. After all the scorpions and soldiers are dead calibos and perseus finally square of. Again. Which end with perseus stabbing calibos in the chest. Bet that killing them in they’re sleep idea is sound pretty good right now. Ain’t hindsight a bitch.

The c3po wannabe makes it out of the water and perseus tells him to go find pegasus. The little freak of nature find Pegs locked in cage in the swamp. Not only does the runt destroy calibos lair but the mini toaster chases of the f14 sized vulture by dive bombing at it a few time. Really? That’s all it took. Why not have a little kid throw some rocks at it? Oh or better yet have a swamp monkey take a shit on from the trees to scare it away? Anyway after releasing Pegs they find perseus and fly back to joppa.

Meanwhile at the legion of doom, I mean olympus the 30 day time limit is up and thetis demands that zeus give the order to release the Krakan. Why is zeus putting up with this? HE IS KING OF THE GODS! WHY DOESN’T HE JUST SAY FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT YOU CAN SUCK A LIGHTENING BOLT! NOOOO….. HE BOWS TO HER WISHES AND RELUCTANTLY GIVE THE ORDER. Psst pussy.

So the kraken is released and is about to kill andromeda( yeah they actually took her out there to besacrificed) when perseus arrive in the nick out time turning the kraken to stone using medusas head and they lived happily ever after.

THIS MOVIE….. doesn’t suck. I know, I know but the story is quite compelling even if it takes a detour even now and then, and the special effects are really good for 1981. I mean really, good except seagull scene. The problem it for todays standards the movie is just bland. The acting is bland, the dialog is bland, even the action is bland. If you’re going to see it I would suggest seeing the remake. The story is bound to be tightened up with a few new surprise, better action sequences and better special effects.

I mean the remakes are always better just look at “War of the Worlds”. Ok bad example but there is the “Day the Earth stood Still” right, no that sucked too. Chainsaw Massacre” … no. “The AmittyvilleHorror”… no. “Godzilla”…. no. “KING KON“…no

Next week Repomen

“Mighty Joe Young”… no. “Bad News Bears”…no. “The Fog”…no.

Ha “A Christmas Carol” I knew I’d find one!

Seriously, why was this movie called Clash of the Titans? It didn’t even have any Titans in it

Twilight review

by Tauhid Larokko on Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 11:49am

Due to the overwhelming response I have been talked into doing movie reviews every tuesdays which gives me something better to do then count the ppl walking by at work. There will probably be. Some miss spelled words because I’m writing from phone and I type fast then it can register the key signals so bare with me. I figured my first review should be about a movie that was highly praised but was just god awful. That being said I give you Twilight.

Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! If you don’t know what a spoiler alert is look it up.

What can I say about this movie? Girl meets vampire, girl dates vampire, another vampire wants to eat girl, vampire kills other vampire, girl and vampire go to prom. That summary was more exciting the the actual movie. I’m not kidding. So let’s get this over with shall we.

So our story starts out with our female lead name bella just having moved out to boringville washington to live with her dad. Why did she move? Because her mother moved to florida with her triple a baseball player boyfriend and I really don’t know why. That part just was never explained. Moving along she is a new student in the local school where she meets or male lead edward who I swear to god spends the first twenty minutes of the film just staring at her. I’m not kidding ppl, I timed it. And it’s not just creep staring but a retarded creepy staring. Like he’s suppose to be longing for her but instead his face just got stuck in the position and she just happened to be sitting there. And for some reason unknown to man she finds this as a attracting quality in him. I’m mean really, creepy ppl staring at you is suddenly hot. Next thing you know staking will be the new in fade. So edward final finds a reason to start talking to her but can only come up with five word sentences to do it and the two start to get to know each more. One day bella comes to school and notice edward isn’t in school, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, she finally asks someone about this and is told that when the weather is nice edwards family goes on vacation upstate or something. Ok I have to breathe for this one. What asinine school would accept bullshit like that! There are more sunny days the every other weather days combine! You mean to tell me that this school accepts a student not showing up for 65 percent of the school year. They would have better cover saying the kids were home school. Oh and by the way the father is the town doctor. I’m amazed that he is a doctor but that he even has patients. Would you see a doctor who told you he only can see you on days when the weather is shitty because when its a nice sunny day I take my family on vacation. I’d be like fuck you and find another doctor. God forbid some has an emergency when the sun is out! And what do they do when its not sunny but the sun decides to peek through the clouds for five minutes, duck and cover! Anyway edward finally returns to school and tells bella he can’t hang out with her anymore. But just then bella is nearly hit by a car only to be save by edward. And how does he save her by stopping the car with his bare hand. He could have just tackled her out of the way and kept his cover but noooo instead he stop the car putting a big dent in it by the driver side wheel. Smooth move genius. Why don’t you throw her over the car while your at it. Somewhere along the movie she heard a legend about edwards family and the local native american tribe and decided to get a book on it. When leaving the book store she runs into some wannabe rapists and who should come to her rescue but edward who admitted he has been FOLLOWING HER AROUND! Yes staking has now become the new in fade. Of course she sees nothing wrong with this as they go out to dinner. Not only that but he proceed to tell her thing about himself that are not normal like the fact that he can READ MINDS! For someone who is suppose to live in secret he is not doing a very good job of it. On the way home she touches his hand and mentions that his skin is cold. After getting home she decides to look up all these odd things on the internet, the cold skin, not coming out in the sun, the reading minds, that fact that he didn’t so much as drink a glass of WATER at dinner, and some word she found in the book she got which all equal up to vampire. No shit! You can look at him a nd see vampire! He looks abnormally pale. Like that dead body type pale after its been embalmed. Like the michael jackson (god rest his soul) midway through 50 sessions of skin bleaching pale. The white shirt turn dingy pale. Look at the picture that’s how he looks through the whole movie.

Before we get into the story I want to go into the story of some of the characters in this film because as we all know the driving force of any movie is character development. That fact that you actually feel for the characters and care about what happens to them. Well apparently someone forgot to tell that to the makers of this film.

Let’s start with bella I have no idea what type of character she is suppose to be and neither does the actress because she give you nothing to identify the persona. Is bella a sad person, a happy person, a lonely person, angry, depressed, bi poler, what?! You get nothing. She is not even boring, just nothing. I didn’t even think that was possible. Data from next generation had more personality then her and he’s an android. Next we have edward who the tried to give a personality to but everything he does is so creepy a’s father who just has the personality of a confused fish. He always has this dumb look on his face even when he knows what’s going on. I think they told the actor he was filming a different movie that why looked confused all the time. Edward’s dad who was just boring. The he looked, the way he talked, even the way he walked was boring. One sentence spoken by the guy made you feel like you just spent an hour listening to and old person ramble on about the good old days. Edward’s mother who was equally boring only with a smile on her face. Sister or cousin who name really isn’t important so i’ll just call her the bitchy blonde who was over the top bitchy. I mean way over the top. Her acting was so bad it made Beyance look like an oscar winner for best actress. And lastly we have alice who is the only character I gave a damn about. Not only was she cute but she had actually personality. She was a sweetie, happy, fun character. And the best part was the actress could actually act. Could it be the movie finally give you something to enjoy about it. Nope, in a two hour movie she get a total of fifteen minute of screen time. Damn you movie! Oh there are two other members of edward’s family but they only got a total of two minutes of screen time so they didn’t even have personalities to like or dislike.

So at this point in the story our antagonists finally arrive who I will an accordingly. We have Bob Marley, Sabertooth, and Apirl o Neal. Now villains are suppose to have a presence of villainy about them. Its suppose to submitify in the air around them. When you look at the your suppose to sense they’re the villain even when they are being none threatening. These yo yo’s look like they are about to play a game of hacky sack at washington square park. What’s worse when they arrive they are suppose to be scary. I’ve seen scarer thing in me refrigerator then these three. So they flash some fangs and and kill some fisherman. Meanwhile bella decide to confront edward about what he is and edward tells her he can’t hang out with her anymore even though thus far the story has been suggesting he was going to tell her eventually anyway. What did she ruin is surprise reveal and he was pissed about it or something. Later on he changes his mind and takes her into the woods to talk. They go into the woods and throws the biggest temper tantrum knows to man. And what points does he make about how it sucks to be a vampire during his tantrum. That he is super strong, super fast, and can jump tall builds in a single bound. Really? What about the fact that you can be love a human because you have to watch them die or you can never again enjoy the taste of regular food or the yo have to struggle everyday not to eat ppl. Appearently he’s ok with those things it the super abilities he has a problem with. So he decided to show bella what he looks like in the sunlight. Cool is change color or look like a demon, or look like a half decade skeleton like in pirates of the caribbean. Nope he sparkles. That’s it just sparkles and the special effect for that wasn’t even good. It look like someone just put a kaleidoscope over the camera lens. After seeing bella isn’t afraid of was she sees, would you be, he decides to date her which leads to the creepiest scene in cinematic history. May god strike me down if I’m lying about this. Bella wakes up one morning to find edward in her room staring at her. After her initial surprise, surprise being nothing more then a double take, she ask him has he come into her room like this before. What is his response? “I like to watch you sleep”. No! No! no no no! No movie, NO! There is nothing sweet, cute, or romantic about some creepy person breaking not only into your house but your bedroom more then once to watch you sleep. No I’m sorry I’m not having it. The madness must stop here and now. All copies of this movie should be burned and anyone who has seen this movie should have their memory erased. Serial killers do shit like that before they KILL YOU not normal ppl. And what is Bella’s response to something so spine tingling creepy? “Don’t you sleep?” I can see why her mother didn’t want her. Anyway edward takes her to meet his family, there is and arkward lunch scene where it is explain the they don’t eat humans only animals and how alice knew she was coming because she could see visions of the future or possible futures. Which raises the question do all vampires have powers or just these two? Are they all different or did alice start out reading minds first? Does the rest of the family have powers other then the power to bored the audience to death? Explain movie, explain!

Haven been made to feel uncomfortable by bitchy mcblonde edward decides to take bella tree jumping. During this he for some odd reason calls her a spidermonkey. Why? Of all the animals the spend time in trees spidermonkey is not the first to come to mind. Squirrel, chimpmunk, tree frog, possum but not spidermonkey. There wasn’t any other reference to spidermonkey in the movie. They didn’t watch one on tv or dissect one in class. She never said it was her favorite animal. And why spidermonkey and not just monkey? What if you put spider in front of it its suppose to be less offensive? Its is suppose to be cute? Is it suppose to show how smart he is? Are spider monkeys native in they’re area? Explain movie EXPLAIN!!

After seeing how wonderful being a vampire is, I’m glad she saw that because all I saw was boredom but I guess when you have the personality of nothing boredom is pretty wonderful, she ask edward to turn her. Being someone in this film to have at least the IQ of a DOG he flat out tells her no. Wow something that actually makes sense in this movie.

Next comes the baseball scene which is the coolest scene in the movie but even this one I have a problem with. Edward’s family only can play baseball when there is a thunderstorm. Why? Because the sound of thunder covers the sound of the ball hitting the bat when they play. Let’s take these in order shall we.

1) yes the harder something is hit the louder the noise is that is make but there is no way in hell the you can hit a baseball so hard the it needs to be covered up by the sound of thunder. If fact the a baseball going at 150mph gets hit by a bat swung at at least 100mhp one of two things will happen depending on where the ball hits the bat. Either the bat will break or the ball will explode.

2) they are playing this game on an open field in the middle of the forest during a thunderstorm. Now vampire or not I don’t think anyone want to get hit by a lightening bolt that carries ONE BILLION VOLTS of electricity of every 1000ft.

3) this may be nit picking but I didn’t see any rain during that thunderstorm. Maybe what we call lightening storms they call thunderstorms because I did see lightening.

During the baseball game Bob Marley and his two man band show up and they put a baseball cap on bella and tell to look at the ground because like wise ostrich who stuck its head in the sand if you can’t see your enemy they can’t see you. There is a small discussion about territory when the wind shifts and sport realizes the the girl wearing the dunce cap in the background is a human from her sent. Realizing they are out numbered Marley and friends walk away but the family knows sabortooth won’t give up so the tell bella she has to leave town for a while.

So having convinced bella to leave town she tells her father that she broke up with edward and is moving to florida to live with her mother. There’s a little back and forth between the two with him trying to get her to stay until she calls him a loser and that’s why mom left him. Because of that he just let’s her walk out the door. Great parenting there dad. Don’t bother to drive to the airport to make share she gets on a plane safely considering its pitch black outside or even bother to give her money for the trip since she doesn’t have a job and there for NO MONEY. So after that poor excuse for and ingenues plan they send bella to her home town of phoenix while edward stays behind to hunt for sabertooth. Oh and bob marley had stopped by to tell the family that he wasn’t going to get involved in the whole thing. Some leader he is. The minutes theirs trouble he abandons his men. Did he start out with twenty clan members and started ditching them along the road of life?

Once bella gets to phoenix they set her up in a hotel. She decides to call her mother so she wouldn’t be worried about her. Why she even bothered seeing how her father had the brian cells of dugbeetle and probably never even bothered to call bellas mother to let her know bella was coming or even to check if bella arrived there safely anyway since it was never brought up from here to the end of the film is beyond me. But who should answer the phone? Why its sabertooth of course, saying he got her information from her school records.

Excuse me for a minutes I’m going to need some codeine for this one.

Alright first of all how did into her school much less her school records? How does he even know her name? Yes they did say her name at the baseball game but they called her bella and her full name is isabella marie swan. Even if he was smart enough to figure out bella was short for isabella and that’s a big if, how did he know her middle and last name? I refuse to believe she is the only isabella in the school and even if she was student records are organized alphabetically by LAST NAME. That means he wound have to search all the files from a to s before getting to her file. You mean no one stumble in one him while he was doing this? Does he have the power to make ppl bend to his will? Did he kill the office staff? Did he turn invisible?EEEEEXXXXXXPPPPPPPLLLLLLAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m ok, let just finish this.
Sabertooth tell bella to meet him at her old ballet school in phoenix and to come alone. Now maybe I missed something along the line of drifting in and out of this thing but wasn’t her mother in florida? Now if she moved back to phoenix why in the hell would you run there? There is a crazed kill who will kill the ones you love just to get to get to you which is why you left your father behind in the first place and run hide in the town where your mother lives? Real smart thinking there, why don’t introduce him to grandparents while you’re at it. And if he is in florida how the hell is she suppose to meet him in the ballet studio in the same day. Yeah he could flight out there but I’m pretty sure airport security is going to notice a sparkling man DRAGGING AN UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN BEHIND HIM. >
I’m ok, I’m ok
So bella rush to the studio alone only to find sabertooth with no mother. Wwwwhhhhaaaatttt??? He liedddd??? Yes bella you shit that’s what villains do. If you stop to use that lump on your shoulders you would have figured it out before hand!
I’m cool.
So he tells bella he is going to torture her and then drink her blood when who should show up but edward. How did he know she was there. Alice had a vision of the two of them there. Maybe she should use that gift to find edward a smart girlfriend.
So finally we have a fight scene. Vampire against vampire something worth watching. What are they going to do jump off the ceilings, swing from chandlers and shit. Rip the floor up and use them as stakes to try and stab each other. Hell their they can pull forthy year old trees out the ground at the roots they should have no problem ripping support beams out and using them as battering rams right? So what do they do? Throw each other into walls again and again and again. At one point they did mix things up a bit and threw each other on to the floor. You just to make thing interesting but then wasn’t back to throwing each other into walls.
Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHORESHIT! THAT RIGHT I SAID WHORESHIT AS IN A WHORE TAKING A SHIT! I SAT THROUGH THIS BORING ASS MOVIE FOR AN HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES AND THE ONE CHANCE THEY HAVE TO REDEEM THEMSELVES THEY MANAGE TO MAKE IT EVEN WORSE! IT LIKE THEY WANT OUT OF THERE WAY TO MAKE THE MOST BORING MOVIE POSSIBLE. WHAT DID THE DIRECT COME GIVE THE ACTORS THE SCRIPT, POINT TO THE CAMERA AN SAID I’ll BE IN MY TRAILER TAKING A NAP! HOW DO YOU MAKE A FIGHT SCENE BORING, IT A FUCKING FIGHT SCENE. I’VE SEEN CRIPPLE FIGHTS MORE EXCITING THEN THIS! GOD!
So how during the fight bella gets her ankle broken and bitten by sabertooth on her wrist. Edward I guess out throws sabertooth since that’s all they have been doing for ten minutes and is about to kill him when his family arrive and said “no! We’ll kill him.” Oookkkkay bella might want to make a note that edwards family are blood thirsty savages. So while the rest edwards family is roasting sabertooth on and open fire his dad tells him the vampire venom is in bellas bloodstream and edward has three choice. Let her die, turn her, or suck the blood out of her. And edward actually has to think about it? Hey dick you already said you weren’t going to turn so there is only two choice left, drink her or she dies. What’s there to think about dumbass! So after two whole minutes of debating with his father about ( sabertooth is still roasting in the back ground by the way) he finally drinks her blood removing all the poison. I’m not even going into the plot hole of this one. Bella wakes up in the hospital and her mother has been given the story that she fell down the hallway steps through an window and edward rushed her to the hospital.
Nope I’m not going into it we’re almost at the finishline.
Fast forward to prom night where bella and edward show up with bella wearing a leg cast. She’s having trouble walking so edward glides her the the dance floor or what I think is a dance floor, it look more like a gazebo. Seeing how everyone in town is both blind and stupid no one notices the broken legged girl and her dead look boyfriend suddenly moving with uncanny smoothness. As they dance she ask edward again to turn her and he says no. And the story end with apirl o neal looking at them from some window.
The end…. OR IS IT!?
So we have reached the end and what are my thoughts?!
This movie SUCKS! There is only one interesting character in the film and she only get 15 minutes of screen time, plot is full of holes the size of moon craters, the special effect are mediocre, and the action scenes are just boring!
Next week: the original Clash of the Titans

Don’t forget I need a catch phrase and I take requests

Really movie? “I like to watch you sleep”?